I can't do it anymore
by Adja
Summary: Spoilers up to 2x22. Coping a feel is understandable. Coping a feel with Dick is much less understandable. And totally unhealthy. And sordid. And... well, good. Still, Mac feels horrible. This has to end. MacDick.


Mac woke up breathless. _Weird._ She felt like she had been crying. _Creepy._

She turned around to glare at her empty bed. It was messy. She must have jiggled hard. She sat, the white sheets brushed down her back. She hold them tight against her breasts, gathering her legs and hugging them. It was really hot in the room. Still, she felt cold. Not in her body. Inside. Wherever that was.

She was turning twenty soon. She was all messed up. Her last boyfriend had jumped off a roof. She had been getting drunk quite often since then. She was still a good student. She had buried herself with work. It was her way of fighting things. She wasn't officially seeing anyone. Even officially to her, to her closest friends. So, why was she still sore ? Why the last time she did have sex was like... ten hours ago ?

She shivered. She made herself sick. No because of that, precisely. Or maybe yes. She didn't know. Why would it be him ? Why did it have to be him ?

Obviously, it had been him, at first, because they were haunted with the same demons. So, a few days after the funeral he had come over to pick her up. They had ended up sleeping in the back of his car, because both of them where way too drunk to drive.

They didn't talk that much until a month or so after the first meeting. They started to truly talk one day when he came and broke down on her. He cried in her arm and they talked all night. No alcohol was ingested that night.

The day after, when she'd come over as he had asked, he was slightly drunk, and he had greeted her with a kiss. She had been stunned, but he had gone on and she had let him do so.

An hour later, he had thrown her on his brother's bed, and yanked his shirt off before crawling over her. He had stopped a second to look around and say a loud "fuck you !" to the ghost of his brother. And she had felt the same way. They had had rough sex. Her first time. Twisted time. He had kept on babbling 'fuck you's to his brother and thrusting hard. She had cried. He had too.

When she had woken up, she had felt sick and ran out throwing up in the bathroom and left without goodbyes.

When he'd come to pick her up, he just waved, as usual. When they'd climbed up to his room to pick a movie, she'd peeked at his brother's room. The bed was gone. All the furniture was. The room wasn't a bedroom anymore. It was... empty.

As soon as the trailers were on, he'd kissed her again. And they'd done it again, less fiercely. They hadn't thought about anyone beside the other. He hadn't sworn. But she still had bitting marks on her shoulder as she took her shower that night.

And it had gone on. They hadn't talked long about it. There had been a 'what are we doing ?'. But then, he had shrugged it off and said they were having a good time and were moving on.

That morning, she didn't felt like she was moving on. She was stuck. In a sticky web of some kind of giant spider. The worst thing was that she had jumped in it willingly. It had been five month. Five month.

Next month was December. And... the night before he'd joked about a gift he was planning to buy for Logan. Some dick-dumbbell or something. She had just frozen.

She was now sitting in her bed, wondering why the hell it would be so warm in November in freaking SoCal. She thought about the fact that she had been wandering the malls with Logan recently, helping him to found a gift for Veronica, and seeking one herself for her ...well, she could almost say bff, though she had to share the title in Veronica's mind with at least one guy.

So, she had ended up with Logan in a shop and just snooped around while he was getting Dick a gift. And when Dick had mentioned Logan's, she had realized that she had been thinking about stuff he would like.

She was in so much trouble. She had been having like... some kind of an affair with Dick Casablancas. Wich, if it wasn't enough, was his dead ex's older brother. And, besides that... they had kept the thing quiet. And people assumed that he wasn't the party animal anymore because of the Beav's death. And not because he didn't need to be to get drunk and laid anymore. He had her.

They used to get so trashed and fuck all night long.

But, she couldn't carry on with that anymore. Veronica was starting to be suspicious. At first she hadn't blamed Mac for being cold every time sex was involved, or even boys, because of their recent traumatic experience. But since Mac had started back laughing at Wallace's and Logan's comments, of joke about sex in general, she had been nosy about Mac not being willing to date, since guys were checking her out or asking her out.

She took a quick cold shower, rinsing the sweat and went over to Dick's room at the Grant. She remember when he'd book himself his own 'sex headquarters' and given her a card key. They would be the only ones to be there, anytime he would meet Logan would be at the old suite they sometime still shared. But, Veronica was there most of the time so Logan had just thought that Dick's move had been out of graciousness. Dick ? Gracious ? _My ass._

He opened the door and let her in with a surprised face. "I didn't think I'd see you again." he said. "What the hell happened yesterday ?" But he didn't get his answer. She just attacked him frantically, kissing him fiercely. It was wild, passionate. Desperate. It could have looked like the first time. But it wasn't. In her mind, it felt like the last one.

A lot of the first times had felt like the lasts. But it had been a while since she'd felt that. That's about when she knew why she had come over.

She was bitting his neck and struggling with his shirt buttons. He had already unzipped her pants and he really didn't mind when she gave up and just rip off his shirt. Seeing her like that was so much of a turn on, he couldn't care less about a $150 shirt he had already worn six times. What the hell, he was the only remaining Casablancas heir after all.

He rubbed her breasts with his palms and slid his tongue on a sweet sensible spot he'd found just behind her ear. She stroke him and she was so over him, so playful and naughty that he came in her hand, out of the blue, feeling jolts of electricity burning through him.

Oh, he didn't give up like that. He had his pride, she had had him weak, he was going to get back at her, and please himself in the way.

He rolled on top of her, still shuddering, and yanked her pants off. He didn't start slowly, he attacked her clit with wide open mouth right from the start. And she loved it. It had been wild from the beginning, it would be to the end. He pushed a few fingers inside, reaching for her high spot. He had her coming once by the time he recovered. He took advantage of her head rolling back in the pillow as she was still gasping to push himself inside with one powerful, hungry, exhilarating thrust. She yelp and looked back at him. His name fell from her lips, just above a whisper, and it hit him like a bullet.

Never ! She had _never _said his name. And never had he said hers. They hadn't been like... making love. They been... screwing, banging, fucking... doing the other... whatever. But... never, like... _oh, shit._

It still made him feel weird. And he slew down the rhythm, trying his best to sent her overboard. She smiled at him and moaned. She ran her hand on his arms and he felt goose bump. Yeah, for him too, it felt like a one last time. He went back to her bruised neck. When she lightly pulled away he felt guilty. He always felt guilty when he realized he had hurt her. He always bit too hard, because he was feeling horrible and he was punishing her. Why ? No clue. Or maybe too many.

He still insisted and made his way to her neck, and when he did, he was careful, he didn't use any tooth. Nope, sir. She just kissed her, licker her. His lips rendered her crazy. He his hands, his hair... him, inside her, it just made her lose her mind. That was it, that was why she'd come until today, because she could loose herself. Be at peace, thought it wasn't exactly a peaceful moment.

He captured her lips again, thrusting deep. She gasped loudly and he felt her tighten. Her hands stopped caressing his abds and wen circling his shoulders, following, prompting his movement. She cried out and he couldn't help gasping her name. She cried out again and he freaked out. She looked up at him and he came. For the first time he kept his eyes open went he reached it. He shuddered, breaking, his gaze locked with hers. He filled her. He babbled, barely whispering. "ooh...fuck.."

He collapsed on top of her. She reached for his hair and cuddled him. Though he would never admit why, he liked the way she had to caress his hair. It reminded him how safe he'd felt when his mom used to so when he cried. Like he had ever cried... pff ! He closed his arms around her and wait until his breathing gained more order.

He kissed her softly, like a 'thank you'. And rested his weight beside her. He pressed his forehead against hers and closed his eyes. She was doing the same. To avoid looking at him actually, it wasn't like she had meant to felt asleep in his arms. In his bed. In that suite.

But still, that was what had happened.

And she woke up the same way for the second time in the same day. Her face was a little wet. Yope, she had cried. Dick looked up, wondering when he had fallen asleep. A glance at the clock told him it had been a couple of hours ago. "What's wrong ?" When she felt his hand casually reaching for her back, she jumped and stared at him. He frowned. He wasn't sure what was in her eyes, sure he didn't like it, was it horror ? Was it fear ?

She picked her underwear up off the floor. She considered it as a sign she should leave. Usually, finding her panties took like... thirty minutes.

As she was obviously panicking like the day before and getting dressed, Dick put his boxers on and followed her. "Hey, Wait up !" he caught her arm and forced her to look at him. Gee, she wasn't good at that. She had never done it ! Well, she had never been in such a complicated... 'situationship' either. "What's going on ?"

"I.." she shook her head, she really didn't want to do that, she just wanted to disappear. "I can't do that anymore..." She had been willing to avoid looking at him, but she couldn't help noticing the flash of pain in his eyes. It hurt. It cut. Deep. That's exactly why she had to go now, praying that it wasn't already too late.

She was falling in love with him. _In Love ! _And she couldn't. She couldn't, she wouldn't, she wasn't allowed to, she didn't want to. She had to get away, now !

When he sat on the couch and looked back at her., he seemed calm. "Kay." he said. She felt a little disappointed. _Kay ?_ That was it ? Gee, she knew she was going to be the one more hurting after because... well, he was only here to fuck... but, still... he wasn't even sad that his drinking buddy and willing booty call was gone ? _Guess it is even more easy that I thought for him to get that from other girls._

He opened his mouth to speak and paused, made a face and shut his mouth again, like he had just changed his mind. _Is he like... choosing his words ? _ He frowned slightly and looked at her again. "Fuck, I can't say it without sounding like a fucking fag, can I ?" he exclaimed to himself. "Mac... I think I can't either."

Outch. _Fuck. _Outch, outch, outch. No fun. She was supposed to, like... felt relieved. She had just ended the fucking twisted thing in her life. She pursed her shaky lips, looking at the floor. Tears were threatening to fall off her eyelashes. She turned to the door, half-conscious that she could maybe put on a shirt on top of her bra. But she really wanted to be elsewhere right know. Damn, maybe it had already been too late.

She felt Dick come closer and gently turn her around, looking down at her. Holy shit, those blue eyes. They were even darker than usual. She was surprised, though, cause he was looking at her gently. Not like she had just initiated a break up (after having initiated amazing sex, that is to be said.). She had thought he would be... Dick, you know. Being mean right away. Shoving her out of the suite and insulting her. But he was just looking at her seriously, wistfully. Boy, he had changed. He made a contrite wince and spoke quietly.

"I can't do that anymore either, Mac. Cause I think I'm in love with you." She felt like her heart had stopped beating, like the world had gone silent, and the only thing around her was a giant black hole. What ? _What ?!_

She swallowed. "Mac ?" she must have looked like a fish out of water. She swallowed and was surprised as a weird squeak came out of her throat as she did so. Dick looked scared, like he wasn't sure that was what she wanted too. Maybe... her wanting to leave hadn't been about that, and then... And, then... he had just made a fool of himself.

She managed a smile, and gripped at his hand. She couldn't do much more. So, when he leaned to kiss her, she made all her heart in it to let him get the memo. He placed a hand in the small of her back and pressed her possessively against his bare chest. She pulled away, looking at him in disbelief. "I love you." it had been just above a whisper. He felt the jolt of electricity again, and reached for her neck, slowly running his fingers up her jawline to take hold of her face. "Shit, I love you." he said, almost as stunned by his statement as she was. They kissed slowly. Tenderly.

"Think we should come out ?" Dick spat out. It was clearly an offering. He did think they should, he wanted to know what Mac thought about it. She just broke into tears and into laugh at the same time. He pulled her back into his arms, resting his chin on her head, swaying slightly on his feet. His smile was one of the first genuine smile he had had since... Grad Night. And this feeling was one of the first happy moments of his whole life. He kissed Mac's forehead. "You couldn't look more beautiful to me. Cause I know that, right now part of your smile is because of me." He had done something good for once. That was something he was craving to know he could do. He was making her happy. Mac lifted herself on her toes and kissed him. Sure she felt wonderful now.

She smiled goofily. "Can't wait to tell Logan bout my girl." he said happily. He grinned. "Think Veronica is just going to taser me or attach a rock to my feet and push me off a bridge ?" Mac chuckled.

Boy, she was happy. It had been a last time. The end of something, the beginning of something else. It had been both a last and a first time. The last time they'd fucked, the first time they'd made love. They had felt the change, though they didn't know what it was at the moment. They weren't coping a feel anymore, they were feeling a thing, sharing a feeling.

That felt way better.

Back on the bed again, after naked cuddling and room service. They were both lying in opposite ways, propped on each other's elbows to kiss and chat. Dick kissed her and placed a raspberry in her mouth. "So, what do you want for Christmas ?"


End file.
